Five of the best poncey Christmas cocktails

1. The Grape Sparklergrapesparkler

4 cups seedless red grapes, plus more for garnish 2 tablespoons lemon juice 2 tablespoons honey 2 cups tonic water 6 ounces (3/4 cup) vodka

Puree the grapes in a blender or in a pestle and mortar. Strain the puree into a cup and add the lemon and honey. Stir it all until the honey dissolves. Add the tonic water and vodka. Pour out into 4 glasses with ice, or keep for yourself. Put the whole grapes on the edge to make it look fancy. If you’ve got loads of time on your hands, you can pre-freeze the garnishing grapes and add them in like ice cubes.

​It’s got loads of vitamin C in it so it’s ok so it’s just like drinking your generic effervescant dissolvable beverage. And it’s one of your five a day.

snowball2. The snow ball

Advocaat, lemonade, lime 

Shake all the ingredients up with crushed ice and serve. 

It’s sort of like egg nog but without all of the administration. 





cocktail13. Naughty Side Car

1 part Brandy (or any spirit you fancy) 1 part Cointreau/triple sec 1 fresh lemon Sugar

Mix everything together, with a squeeze of lemon juice and shake it up with ice, then strain into a glass. Use the leftover lemon to rinse the rim of the glass, then rotate the outer edge of the glass in a plate of sugar to give you a sugary rim (ooh, naughty!)

Replace the brandy with whatever spirit you’ve got in the cupboard and this cocktail still tastes good.




oldfashioned4. The classic old fashioned

1 teaspoon of sugar, 3 dashes of bitter ale, 2 orange slices, 1 shot of bourbon whiskey

Place the sugar at the bottom of the glass, saturate the sugar with the bitter. Add one orange slice and mix up. Fill up the glass with ice cubes and add the whiskey. Stir well and garnish with the other orange slice.

A classic old fashioned is just what every man would like to have this Christmas, or any for that matter. Timeless.


5. Hungover Jalapeños Bloody Mary


1 part Vodka 3 parts tomato juice 2 parts tabasco 1 dash Worcestershire sauce A squeeze of lemon juice 1 pinch salt, 1 pinch sugar, 1 pinch pepper 1 stalk of celery, 2 jalapeños, stemmed and de-seeded

Puree the jalapeños with the lemon juice, Worcestershire, sugar, salt and pepper. Stir in vodka. Put into the fridge until chilled (about 2 hours) or just put in some ice. Serve with the celery stick or with some more hot stuff.

Just like the Grape Sparkler, it’s one of your five a day, if you’ve got the energy to eat the celery. It’s also got hot stuff in it, which boosts your metabolism (apparently).

Then bask in the glory of your tremendous hosting skills.


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